Sex Caught On Tape

I’ve been really sick. After two weeks of bed rest and still being forced to rest up so I can go back to work, I’ve become quite bored and obviously haven’t been able to go out and be the hot-mess I usually am. Therefore, I’d like to take this time to write about some past experiences and reflect on those life choices. Let’s talk about sex tapes.

I often have people tell me I look familiar, they think they know me, or I remind them of a friend/cousin/sister’s best friend/ or someone. My whole life I’ve took this as an insult because I’ve always liked to imagine I was original. I want to have my own look, but it would seem that maybe I look exactly like a lot of other people in the world. Then one day I had this moment, and all of a sudden a deep fear washed over me that maybe I was being recognized because of some sex tape an ex had leaked on the internet. But really, what are the odds? I have yet to see myself in a video, but I watch less porn than men do and there are billions of videos; I believe it was once said, “ain’t nobody got time for that”.  However, it doesn’t mean that one doesn’t exist.

I’d like to first come right out and ask, when did it become acceptable to just start filming during sex without asking? One of my best friends was hooking up with a guy in Vegas who asked if he could cum on her face. I guess she said yes and was planning on just dodging it (good luck with that). However, after she says yes, he just whips out this camera from behind him and starts filming her. So you’re going to ask if you can cum on her, but not if you can film it? She basically flipped out and said no, what the fuck is wrong with you, and then deleted all the videos of previous girls while he showered. Awesome.

Some people do ask permission though. The first time I ever let someone film us having sex it was actually my idea. I was hooking up with this guy I had a crush on at his friend’s apartment. We went into one of the bedrooms and it wasn’t until we were on the bed hooking up that I had a second to take in my surroundings. The sheets were red silk with black playboy bunnies on them, and the headboard was one giant mirror. At the time I was so impressed with how much I felt like I was on the set of a porno that I failed to realize this was a friend’s father’s bedroom and how disturbing (or impressive) that was. I just needed to capture the moment in time forever. Good thing iPhones had already been invented and we didn’t need a film crew so we just filmed away. I even held the camera for some of it and the mirror really helped with getting certain angles. When I left early that morning I asked him to send me the video and he said he would. I never saw it. By the time we hung out again months had passed and he claimed to no longer have it and I don’t know how many people saw that video, but I never got to. Part of me hopes it’s on the internet just so I can watch it once.

When I started dating my ex boyfriend we got the bright idea to film ourselves while having extremely drunk sex one night. We used my laptop and set it up hoping that one angle would be good enough and then we used our phones for close-ups. I saw these videos, and I wish I never had. Drunk sex is usually really sloppy and unflattering. It doesn’t feel that way when it’s happening, but watch it as an outsider and you’ll change your mind. We just looked like a mess. There was no coordination, the exchange of dirty words and half formed sentences, it was less than appealing. The close-ups were even worse. For some reason we decided to film from that angle where really all you’re looking at is the guys balls and I can’t figure out why they ever have this shot in porn or what on earth made us think it would be a good idea. He also filmed me giving him head which he claimed was “so sexy” during, but I saw that video too. It’s only sexy if you think a really drunk girl basically slobbering on a dick is sexy. I deleted them, all, immediately.

After my ex and I broke up, I’ve never actually given anyone permission to film, they’ve just done it. Apparently I give off the, “it’s okay to film this” vibe. Many videos have been taking of me giving head and that’s because I do it like a champion porn star (how it should be done). Porn (and practice) are how I learned to be so good, so I guess that’s probably why it entices guys to film it. I recently was on a first date and we start to hook up and he just starts filming the whole thing. I have to be honest, at first I didn’t notice, but even after I did I just let it happen. The videos didn’t turn out actually so the score remains: 1 for me, 0 for the “I film on the first date” guy.

I can’t decide if this is all because I’m really great or if these guys just do it to all girls. I know some ladies who would not be pleased, like my friend in Vegas for instance. Maybe since technology is so advanced these days, we need to slip in the ‘video’ conversation along with our ‘STI/safety’ talks. My favorite way to have that conversation is like this:

Guy: Do I need to wear a condom?

Me: I don’t have a reason for you to wear one, I’m good. Do YOU need to be wearing a condom?

Emphasis on the YOU is really key there. Hopefully the guy (or girl)  you’re about to fuck isn’t too dumb to understand this and if they are you shouldn’t be having sex with them anyways. No excuses. But now I think the conversation might need to have a second piece.

Guy: How do you feel about being video taped?

Me: It’s cool, I want %50 of what you make on it though.

There, simple, done, and over with. Now there should be no surprises when the film crew comes out of the closet.

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